How to effectively and swiftly “Reduce the Excess Population!”
Start with a budget that eliminates every element of grace, caring and compassion. Eliminate arts, culture, recreation and heritage. Increase stress on local communities and reduce connections, cooperation and ease of movement from locale to locale. Eliminate resources that support upward mobility and transition families to a higher income bracket, including education, information, housing and health. Increase resources to programs of oppression, move more wealth and power into the hands of the wealthy and powerful and finish it off with a return to time-honored policies of paranoia and isolation.
Budget Take Aways
Agriculture (-21%) Who needs food, right?
(cuts both food stamps and crop subsidies – programs that gives money to help farmers and food to help the poor )
Let them eat cake!
Commerce (-16%) Stop spending money on rising coastal waters due to climate change – because we don’t believe in science anymore. Also, economic development – get rid of that – because everybody who should be rich already is! (-$1,400,000,000)
Education (-14%) Cuts aid to low income students and school districts. Good news, though, private schools can get your federal tax dollars now – because they are allowed to take them away from the public schools. Total takeaway is a very big number (-9,200,000,000) but not as big as the 52,000,000,000 increase in our budget for going to war – we have to pay for that 9% spending increase somehow, right, kiddies? (-9,200,000,000)
Energy (-6%) They have more of those pesky science programs we don’t need to waste any more money on – since we no longer care about the end of the world – it’s in the bible. Minus $900,000,000 from the Office of Science (obviously had to go – it was right in the title) and no more giving away money to people for weatherizing or switching to energy saving appliances – because, who cares?! BUT not everything is a cut – let’s push nukes, increase our stockpiles of nukes, baby… and even better, let’s license more nuclear waste disposal sites next to poor neighborhoods, AWESOME… (-$1,700,000,000)
Health and Human Services (-18%) Stop your whining, that 15 billion is a drop in the bucket – doesn’t even begin to pay for the 52 billion increase in war spending…and we haven’t mentioned how we intend to do away with Medicare of Medicaid – we just left it out of the budget – shhhh, we’re not ready to talk about that yet, so don’t even ask us why. National Institutes of Health – please, do I have to keep reminding you that medicine is SCIENCE? And what don’t we believe in anymore? Rich people don’t need science. It’s in the bible. (-$15,000,000,000)
Homeland Security (?) Yes, we are taking away money from state and local agencies for counter-terrorism and disaster mitigation – but we ALSO building a HUGE, BIGLY WALL – money has to come from somewhere…more good news, we’re raising the TSA fees to help pay for more invasive security at airports – rich people don’t need science, but they do need security.
Housing and Urban Development (-13%) Trump Towers are private property. Need I say more? Okay, to be specific, no more Community Block Grants, no more Home Investment, Choice Neighborhood or any other kind of public funded Homeownership programs – Affordable Housing? You want a home, get a job! Oh, wait, we got rid of that program, too. Trump bought up some old buildings, though – so we’re increasing lead-hazard reduction. (-$6,200,000,000)
Interior. (-12%) Public lands?! Hello, did you not get the point from HUD? – the government does not need to be competing with rich people and driving up prices of possible investment properties. By cutting spending so that existing parks can no longer be maintained should force some much appreciated fire sales (just kidding, we put some money in the pot to keep the fires down – they spread into rich neighborhoods sometimes) Also – what the hell is heritage? If it’s not in the bible there’s no reason to be spending money on preserving it! (-$1,600,000,000)
Justice. (-4%) Really? You have to ask? We like the part of “justice” that is directed away from the rich people – law enforcement is good for poor people – but we do have to pay for the wars we plan to start – and also had to offset certain increases to protect our borders from the increasing numbers of angry people who live “out there” and those cyber attacks that we can’t keep out with a wall or X-ray machines (we think those might be coming from the Canadians – because, you know, Jon Stewart, AdBusters…uh, huh) – and since we’ll be shipping the criminals out of the country, we don’t need to improve prisons. Also, since it’s going to be BAD to protect undocumented or unauthorized immigrants and residents, the cost of holding them in jail is your problem state and local governments – you can raise your taxes to pay for it, we’re cutting out the dollars we were giving you for that, cause we like the stick better than the carrot – it’s in the bible. (-$1,100,000,000)
Labor (-21%) Surely you get this one. Eliminate grants for nonprofits and local governments, shuts down Job Corps training centers, eliminate job placement for senior citizens (cause we’re planning on them dying sooner rather than later, and food, shelter and medicine slows that process down – their own fault – they should have taken that retirement money out of stocks before the 2008 crash). We are increasing funds to stop people from getting unemployment checks. Those rules are there for a reason – break ’em and maybe we’ll put you in one of those overcrowded prisons we aren’t planning to fix anytime soon? How you like them apples, you poor slackers! It’s a twofer – cuts back on border issues if the H1-B program won’t be as necessary. Read your good book. (-$2,600,000,000)
State (-29%) We don’t need no stinking diplomacy. We’re spending that money on war. Besides which, they were spending some of their money on climate change and science. Had to nip that one in the bud. United Nations – screw ’em – we are the United States! They can pay for their own wars, just like we plan to. And the World Bank? Trump doesn’t use it. No possible chance of another Bengazzi incident, if we don’t have embassies. And if the staff inside is way smaller than the military outside, than it’s another twofer – a military base with nicer conference rooms and better views for visits from the Commander in Chief. Or, we could just open a new Trump Hotel and move them in there. A threefer!
Transportation: (-13%) We have to stop the middle class from moving around. Start by selling air traffic control to the highest bidder. After all, what’s not safe about letting a large international corporation take control of our airspace? As long as it’s a rich corporation, it could even be Chinese, North Korean, Saudi Arabian or Russian! (They’ll be inside the borders, so it’s okay.) Get rid of passenger trains. Mass transit – the whole phrase is scary to rich people. Get rid of airports in rural areas. They have horses and tractors. Since they can’t afford to grow crops now – they need to do something else with all those farm implements anyway.
Environmental Protection Agency: (-31%) See? Fake news. I didn’t end it. Yet. We are cutting only 50 of the programs. Stuff that is real science, like research. Or that climate change nonsense. Or cleaning up poison and toxins from industrial waste. Also, we’re ending enforcements against corporations that put industrial waste into water and ground or air – it’s unfair, they have to put it somewhere. People should go somewhere else to eat, drink and breath if they don’t like it. Whose side did you think we were on? We are going to keep clean water where we need that – “we” doesn’t necessarily include you, by the way. (-$2,500,000,000)
NASA (-1%) It’s supposed to be about space, not education or earth science or, for crying out loud MORE of that CLIMATE CHANGE crap. See why we hate scientists? They are everywhere, like poor people. Anyway, I’m thinking the United States should include the moon. There’s nobody voting there yet. Bet I could get the popular vote if we colonize the moon and send the democrats there. No mail in ballots. See how that works with my not spending money on prisons, but increasing spending on prosecutions? Kind of like what they did with Australia, only on the moon. Genius, right?
Small Business Administration: (-5%) Business. Like it. Except the part where it’s small. Eliminate the grants that compete with big businesses – like the big CPA firms that provide consulting services. We don’t need to be giving this information away for free, when rich folks can charge for it. And loans guarantees – what’s the point? Maybe we should talk to the student loan folks about how to fix that. Bankruptcy is for big businesses. Rich people know how to turn debt into a profit. (-$100,000,000)
National Endowment for the Arts, National Endowment for the Humanities, Institute of Museum and Library Services, Corporate for Public Broadcasting (-100%) That’s right GONE! Who knows what kind of subversive, underhanded plots an educated population might come up with? Ask King George! Besides, we have the internet, online gaming and Fox News. Who needs the ‘arts’ or ‘libraries’ or ELMO!
WHAT IS ELIMINATED?
- African Development Foundation
- Appalachian Regional Commission
- Chemical Safety Board
- Corporation for National and Community Service
- Corporation for Public Broadcasting
- Delta Regional Authority
- Denali Commission
- Institute of Museum and Library Services
- Inter-American Foundation
- U.S. Trade and Development Agency
- Legal Services Corporation
- National Endowment for the Arts
- National Endowment for the Humanities
- Neighborhood Reinvestment Corporation
- Northern Border Regional Commission
- Overseas Private Investment Corporation
- U.S. Institute of Peace
- U.S. Interagency Council on Homelessness
- Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars